Q: “I’m getting married in a month and want to know why so many marriages end in divorce. What should I look out for? How can I prevent divorce?”  ~Sandra, Houston TX

A: Understanding why a marriage or relationship might fail can alert couples to their own unique relationship vulnerabilities. These are not meant to be doom-and-gloom predictions about anyone’s marriage, but rather information to help you identify potential marriage problems that can arise and that should be addressed. 

Let’s look at five reasons why a marriage or relationship might not survive.

Marriage help: 5 reasons marriages end in divorce

1. The marriage or relationship started for the wrong reasons.

The motivation to marry or start a committed relationship was an act of escapism, not love. For instance, you married to flee an abusive household, or to avoid feelings of loneliness, or to cover up the pain of a failed first marriage. While this doesn’t mean your marriage is destined to end, it does pose some challenges.

Preventative Measure: For this marriage to survive, it’s important to separate the person you married from the reasons you married him/her. This will allow you to break the negative associations and really “see” the person you now call “husband” or “wife.” 

2. The couple has grown apart over the years to such a degree that there are no longer any common interests.

The “we” of the marriage or relationship has been neglected to such a degree and for so long that you no longer recognize the person you fell in love with. When this occurs, the relationship may feel like it offers little meaning to your life and the danger is that you’ll seek to get all of your needs met outside of the relationship.  

Preventative measures: Make the commitment and take the necessary steps to keep your marriage/relationship a priority-even when life and competing priorities seem to get in the way.

3. Years of unresolved conflicts and deep emotional wounding have shattered the very fabric of the union.

Chronic defensiveness, resentments and deep emotional pain caused by a relationship that has spiraled out of control have invaded the union and dissolved the foundation of mutual love and respect.

Preventative measures: Have those uncomfortable discussions to make sure important issues don’t go underground where they can fester. You may need to seek professional help to get things moving in the right direction.

4. One or both parties unconsciously repeat unhealthy relationship patterns from their family-of-origin.

We’re all vulnerable to repeating patterns from our past. When unhealthy relationship patterns predominate (e.g., acting abusive just like your father did), combined with an unwillingness to examine these destructive dynamics, one’s marriage is placed at serious risk.

Preventative measures: Reflect on your parents’/caregivers’ relationship and think about how you want to be different from them in your role as a husband/wife or partner. Each day make a conscious effort to stop negative family-of-origin patterns.  

5.  The marriage or relationship is built upon expectations that cannot support the realities of a committed relationship.

We all hold expectations about what a marriage or romantic relationship should look like. When overly romanticized dreams predominate (my spouse should always make me happy), you’re likely to feel disillusioned and not commit to the work that all marriages/relationships require.    

Preventative measures: Examine the expectations you hold about marriage and share this with your spouse-discuss any differences in perspective that may exist between you and then take a hard look at which expectations feel realistic and which are likely to buckle under the day-to-day realities of life.

While the above list isn’t exhaustive, it does capture some of the most common, essential reasons marriage problems arise and why an initially loving, committed relationship can fail to thrive over the long haul. Don’t forget to take the preventative measures needed to keep your marriage or relationship healthy.

About the Author

Visit Relationship Toolbox Newsletter and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Newsletter.

As a bonus you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”

Are you ready to take your relationship to the next level?

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Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach with fifteen years experience helping individuals and couples live more fulfilling lives

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Our vacation to Australia has changed the way we eat. When we were in Australia we got to experience so much of our beautiful planet and see wildlife up close like never before. We snorkeled the Great Barrier Reef, visited the rain forest, and spent the night on a free-range sheep farm. We ate local, fresh, organic produce and tried native fruits and vegetables. We dined on wild kangaroo and alligator. The connection to nature was overwhelming, and ever since we got back from Australia we have been paying more attention to what we eat.

We used to work hard on spending as little as possible on food. I coupon-clipped like a maniac and a lot of our meals came from boxes and cans. We wanted to make a change to a more local and sustainable diet. So Him did some research and found some local CSA’s (Community Supported Agriculture). We signed up to obtain our meats and veggies directly from local farms. We are trying lots of vegetables that are new to us, like kale and dandelion greens. Our meat now comes from animals who live happy lives in fields with their calves. Our eggs come from free-range chickens. We buy locally produced milk in re-usable glass bottles.

Our diet is certainly more varied and nutritious than it used to be. It also costs a lot more. A six-month allotment of meat cost over $500, which was a big leap for a woman who is used to buying bulk bags of ground beef at $1.99/lb. The eggs are now about $5 a carton compared to the $2.59 I used to spend. The only saving grace is that the automatic food deliveries have reduced the amount of overpriced junk food we used to aimlessly toss into the grocery cart.

I am hopeful that our increased spending on food will translate into better health for us and our planet. Have you ever made an expensive change for a good cause?

Any couples counselor will tell you that not all marriages or relationships are salvageable-despite my best efforts (and my pro-marriage and pro-commitment attitudes), some of the couples I’ve counseled will still make the painful decision to end their marriage or relationship.

A sad fact is that there will always be a percentage of marriages that fail-despite the couple’s best efforts to make it work. I think we all know this at some level, but we still believe that somehow our love is so unique and transcendent that our relationship will be the one that prevails, no matter what.

Beware of unrealistic marriage and relationship promises

I’ve seen a troubling online trend when it comes to marriage advice and relationship help products: Messages that offer unrealistic promises and assurances that any marriage or relationship can be saved, no matter how bad things are between you (and, not surprisingly, these messages are usually associated with the sale of some service or product).

I recently coached a woman who went through a very painful divorce and stated that she felt like a “double failure” because she used an over-hyped relationship product (I don’t know the product). Despite my client’s best efforts, her marriage still ended-her husband had already made up his mind and checked out of the marriage.  

So this already vulnerable, hurting woman thought there must be something wrong with her — after all, the claims touted by the seller of this product included a high success rate and several blatant promises (even in dire circumstances) and therefore seemed perfect for her situation.    

Can a troubled marriage or relationship be saved?

Absolutely-I’ve seen this firsthand as a psychologist and relationship coach.  

Should a couple give it their all and, when needed, seek professional help before giving up on their union?

I certainly would, and I encourage others to do so.

However, some marriages and relationships won’t make it (divorce statistics and the rate of failed relationships support this claim) and you should be cautious of any online messages that make outlandish promises, especially messages claiming to be able to save your marriage/relationship for sure, even when the relationship has been drowning in hopelessness for years and one or both of you are ready to move on and build a new life.

Be wary of marriage and relationship advice guarantees

Commitment and effort are essential to a successful relationship-but even these necessary ingredients don’t offer a guarantee (according to dictionary.com: a guarantee assures a particular outcome).

When someone offers a guarantee for their product/service, it usually:

1. Reflects the person’s own confidence in the quality of his/her product/service;

2. Is used as a sales device to increase your motivation to purchase the product/service.

Neither one of these are inherently bad.  Sales hype doesn’t mean someone’s product or service isn’t useful-it might really help you. But you should realize that the use and effectiveness of a marriage/relationship service or product will always involve a leap of faith on your part.

Here is my professional opinion about online marriage advice and relationship help products. They:

~might work;

~might even work really well;

~might not make much of a difference;

~might be a total waste of time.

But the truth is, you probably wouldn’t purchase anything if someone’s website and sales pitch read something like:

“Try my new marriage overhaul system. I think it’s great (and my aunt loved it)-I hope you do too. It may really help your marriage…but then again, if I’m being totally honest, I can’t be sure of that, since every relationship is unique. But what the heck, give it a try anyway-I’ll keep my fingers crossed!”

What does this mean for you and your relationship

Approach marriage advice and relationship help services/products with an open mind: balance healthy skepticism with hopefulness and realism. Take a little time to find out about the credentials and experience of the person selling a service or product-and if anyone is making overly-hyped claims or promising iron-clad results, my advice: turn and run.

About the Author

Visit Relationship Toolbox Newsletter and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Newsletter.

Are you ready to take your relationship to the next level?

I’ve just completed the newest Healthy Relationship Program e-workbook.

Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach with fifteen years experience helping individuals and couples live more fulfilling lives. His relationship advice has appeared on television, radio and in national magazines.

Article Source: Content for Reprint

Here is my marriage advice to all couples: If you want to strengthen your marriage or relationship:

Watch your mouth!

Marriage help: It’s all about the words we choose

There’s an old Bee Gees song that says, “It’s only words, and words are all I have, to take your heart away.” When you and your spouse/partner were first dating, you probably used your words wisely in an effort to win over your mate’s heart. If you did, you must have been mindful of the power of your words-you suddenly became a wordsmith, highly attuned to how your words made your partner smile and laugh and want to hold you tight.

Do you still choose your words wisely while communicating with your partner?

Essential Communication Rules for a Stronger Marriage

Rule 1: Your words have power.

Rule 2: Each and every day you have thousands of words to choose from while communicating with your spouse/partner. So the words that come out of your mouth are only a thin slice of the overall word pie that’s available to you.

Rule 3: The words you select have a profound impact on your marriage or relationship (and on your own experience). Your words are continuously impacting your relationship (even if you’re unaware of it). 

Rule 4: Your words are a reflection of what you’re thinking and feeling and your choice of words also shape your experiences.

Rule 5: As your marriage or relationship matures, you might plan less and blurt more. Because you’re not trying to woo your mate any longer, you will probably forget how mindful you used to be when you spoke. Odds are, you’ll start to say whatever comes to mind (expressing your feelings in their rawest form) and not really think about how those words might impact your spouse/partner.

Bring mindfulness back to your communications

“My experience is what I agree to attend to.” ~ William James

This famous quote highlights the selective nature of reality. With regards to a marriage or relationship, some people decide to attend to and focus on the missteps that happened during the day, while others choose to attend to the interactions that showed effort, good intention, and a willingness to move forward. The challenge is to do this even when it feels like the negatives are outweighing the positives.

What you attend to is also reflected in the words you use to describe your spouse/partner (to yourself and others), the feedback you give him/her, and how you speak to your mate in general.

To help you become more mindful of your words and the power they hold in your relationship (and in your life), let’s look at a few different categories that your words can be placed into.

I. Connecting Words (words that enhance intimacy):

~Words that validate and affirm;

~Words that support;

~Words that inform and educate;

~Words that heal (yes, words have the power to heal, just ask any therapist about this).

II. Disconnecting Words (words that undermine intimacy):

~Words that wound and hurt;

~Words that judge;

~Words that minimize and invalidate;

~Words that prioritize the negatives.

So you have the power to use connecting or disconnecting words at any given moment in time, in every interaction that occurs between the two of you. While this can sound daunting, it can also be very empowering.

Action Step:

For a week straight, use only connecting words-no matter what words your spouse/partner (and others in your life) chooses to use. 

The goal is to stick to your conviction and remain mindful of what comes out of your mouth, even during times of stress. And if you slip up here or there, be kind to yourself (watch the words you direct at yourself!) and bring yourself back to the goal of mindful communication.

About the Author

Do you want to receive marriage advice and relationship help tips each month?

Visit Relationship Toolbox Newsletter and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Newsletter.

As a bonus you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”

Are you ready to take your relationship to the next level?

I’ve just completed the newest Healthy Relationship Program e-workbook.

Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach with fifteen years experience helping individuals and couples live more fulfilling lives. His relationship advice has appeared on television, radio and national magazines.

Article Source: Content for Reprint

Weddings bring out the highest levels of creativity in every bride. Having changes made to your bridal gown and bridesmaid dresses, helping design the perfect invitations and even casting the vision for those gorgeous floral centerpieces can all be taxing on anyone’s imagination. Perhaps this is why so many brides fall back on the old standby of earrings and picture frames when it comes time to pick out the gifts for their bridal party. Before you decide on a generic gift, check out the top bridal party gift ideas you may have missed.

Locket Key Ring Bridal Party Gifts

Tiny locket pendants hold pictures that are too tiny for anyone to really appreciate. Give your bridesmaids a fun twist on this classic gift by giving them a sterling silver locket key ring. You can either add your solo engagement picture and your favorite picture of them, or you can present it to them empty with the promise of adding pictures from the wedding day. Either way, this is a special gift your loved ones will treasure.

Personalized Cooler Gifts

Any friends who love sporting events, outdoor concerts or camping trips will be pleasantly surprised to receive a cooler that converts to a stool. Now they can keep their drinks icy cold and avoid grass stains from sitting on the ground for too long. The durable material also allows you to personalize it with their monogram, turning a nice gesture into the perfect reminder of your wedding long after the vows have been exchanged.

Bridesmaid Book Gifts

Junior bridesmaids may feel a little lost about what role they are to play before, during and after the wedding ceremony. Consider presenting them with a book that explains bridesmaid duties and proper wedding etiquette. Make sure to take into account the temperament of the friend or family member who will receive this gift, as some junior bridesmaids may have already been in plenty of weddings and feel insulted if you do not recognize their experience. Otherwise, this can be a great way to welcome a wedding newcomer into the mix.

Compact Mirror Gifts

At first glance, this is a gift that seems anything but overlooked; however, when was the last time you received a compact as a gift? This silver-plated compact mirror is often considered, yet rarely purchased. Compacts are great gifts for the members of your bridal party to carry with them at the reception so they will always be picture-ready. Finding one with tasteful Austrian crystals and room for their monogram is a thoughtful touch. For added originality points, look for a compact in a square style rather than round or heart-shaped, as this is a unique shape that will make a more memorable impression.

Venetian Pendant Bridal Party Gifts

Everyone gives crystal or silver pendants, yet rarely do brides think to include a dazzling bit of color in their jewelry selections. Surprise the ladies of your bridal party with Venetian pendants that are as unique as they are. These hearts feature a swirling mosaic pattern of blue hues with a touch of red. Even if you present each of your bridesmaids with one of these pendants, no two will end up with the same design. Now you can present your bridesmaids with a little something blue instead of the other way around.

Serenity Lighter Gifts

When people think of lighters, the image of men smoking cigars often comes to mind. However, lighters have so much more to offer. Even if your bridesmaids are not smokers they can still appreciate an elegant way to light their scented candles. Presenting them with a lighter that’s engraved with the “Serenity Prayer” is a nice touch that may even add a touch of humor to the gift. This is especially the case if your bridesmaids have been dealing with more than their fair share of pre-wedding day drama on your behalf.

Personalized Flask Gifts

When it comes to flasks, this gift always seems to go to the guys. Rather than only sharing the fun with the groomsmen, surprise your bridal party with colorful flasks of their very own. For example, look for a flirty pink flask that holds up to eight ounces of liquid. These fun gifts can be personalized with two lines of text, more than enough for their name and your wedding date, if you like. Many of these flasks even come with a small funnel so all of their favorite libations make it into the flask and not all over her outfit.

Bridal party gifts are intended to let your closest friends know just how much you appreciate them. So take the time to look for sentimental, unique gifts that will remind them of your special day for years to come.

About the Author

Lisa Parker is a freelance writer who writes about weddings, often focusing on one aspect of weddings such as bridal party gifts.

Article Source: Content for Reprint