Q: “I’m getting married in a month and want to know why so many marriages end in divorce. What should I look out for? How can I prevent divorce?”  ~Sandra, Houston TX

A: Understanding why a marriage or relationship might fail can alert couples to their own unique relationship vulnerabilities. These are not meant to be doom-and-gloom predictions about anyone’s marriage, but rather information to help you identify potential marriage problems that can arise and that should be addressed. 

Let’s look at five reasons why a marriage or relationship might not survive.

Marriage help: 5 reasons marriages end in divorce

1. The marriage or relationship started for the wrong reasons.

The motivation to marry or start a committed relationship was an act of escapism, not love. For instance, you married to flee an abusive household, or to avoid feelings of loneliness, or to cover up the pain of a failed first marriage. While this doesn’t mean your marriage is destined to end, it does pose some challenges.

Preventative Measure: For this marriage to survive, it’s important to separate the person you married from the reasons you married him/her. This will allow you to break the negative associations and really “see” the person you now call “husband” or “wife.” 

2. The couple has grown apart over the years to such a degree that there are no longer any common interests.

The “we” of the marriage or relationship has been neglected to such a degree and for so long that you no longer recognize the person you fell in love with. When this occurs, the relationship may feel like it offers little meaning to your life and the danger is that you’ll seek to get all of your needs met outside of the relationship.  

Preventative measures: Make the commitment and take the necessary steps to keep your marriage/relationship a priority-even when life and competing priorities seem to get in the way.

3. Years of unresolved conflicts and deep emotional wounding have shattered the very fabric of the union.

Chronic defensiveness, resentments and deep emotional pain caused by a relationship that has spiraled out of control have invaded the union and dissolved the foundation of mutual love and respect.

Preventative measures: Have those uncomfortable discussions to make sure important issues don’t go underground where they can fester. You may need to seek professional help to get things moving in the right direction.

4. One or both parties unconsciously repeat unhealthy relationship patterns from their family-of-origin.

We’re all vulnerable to repeating patterns from our past. When unhealthy relationship patterns predominate (e.g., acting abusive just like your father did), combined with an unwillingness to examine these destructive dynamics, one’s marriage is placed at serious risk.

Preventative measures: Reflect on your parents’/caregivers’ relationship and think about how you want to be different from them in your role as a husband/wife or partner. Each day make a conscious effort to stop negative family-of-origin patterns.  

5.  The marriage or relationship is built upon expectations that cannot support the realities of a committed relationship.

We all hold expectations about what a marriage or romantic relationship should look like. When overly romanticized dreams predominate (my spouse should always make me happy), you’re likely to feel disillusioned and not commit to the work that all marriages/relationships require.    

Preventative measures: Examine the expectations you hold about marriage and share this with your spouse-discuss any differences in perspective that may exist between you and then take a hard look at which expectations feel realistic and which are likely to buckle under the day-to-day realities of life.

While the above list isn’t exhaustive, it does capture some of the most common, essential reasons marriage problems arise and why an initially loving, committed relationship can fail to thrive over the long haul. Don’t forget to take the preventative measures needed to keep your marriage or relationship healthy.

About the Author

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Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach with fifteen years experience helping individuals and couples live more fulfilling lives

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Any couples counselor will tell you that not all marriages or relationships are salvageable-despite my best efforts (and my pro-marriage and pro-commitment attitudes), some of the couples I’ve counseled will still make the painful decision to end their marriage or relationship.

A sad fact is that there will always be a percentage of marriages that fail-despite the couple’s best efforts to make it work. I think we all know this at some level, but we still believe that somehow our love is so unique and transcendent that our relationship will be the one that prevails, no matter what.

Beware of unrealistic marriage and relationship promises

I’ve seen a troubling online trend when it comes to marriage advice and relationship help products: Messages that offer unrealistic promises and assurances that any marriage or relationship can be saved, no matter how bad things are between you (and, not surprisingly, these messages are usually associated with the sale of some service or product).

I recently coached a woman who went through a very painful divorce and stated that she felt like a “double failure” because she used an over-hyped relationship product (I don’t know the product). Despite my client’s best efforts, her marriage still ended-her husband had already made up his mind and checked out of the marriage.  

So this already vulnerable, hurting woman thought there must be something wrong with her — after all, the claims touted by the seller of this product included a high success rate and several blatant promises (even in dire circumstances) and therefore seemed perfect for her situation.    

Can a troubled marriage or relationship be saved?

Absolutely-I’ve seen this firsthand as a psychologist and relationship coach.  

Should a couple give it their all and, when needed, seek professional help before giving up on their union?

I certainly would, and I encourage others to do so.

However, some marriages and relationships won’t make it (divorce statistics and the rate of failed relationships support this claim) and you should be cautious of any online messages that make outlandish promises, especially messages claiming to be able to save your marriage/relationship for sure, even when the relationship has been drowning in hopelessness for years and one or both of you are ready to move on and build a new life.

Be wary of marriage and relationship advice guarantees

Commitment and effort are essential to a successful relationship-but even these necessary ingredients don’t offer a guarantee (according to dictionary.com: a guarantee assures a particular outcome).

When someone offers a guarantee for their product/service, it usually:

1. Reflects the person’s own confidence in the quality of his/her product/service;

2. Is used as a sales device to increase your motivation to purchase the product/service.

Neither one of these are inherently bad.  Sales hype doesn’t mean someone’s product or service isn’t useful-it might really help you. But you should realize that the use and effectiveness of a marriage/relationship service or product will always involve a leap of faith on your part.

Here is my professional opinion about online marriage advice and relationship help products. They:

~might work;

~might even work really well;

~might not make much of a difference;

~might be a total waste of time.

But the truth is, you probably wouldn’t purchase anything if someone’s website and sales pitch read something like:

“Try my new marriage overhaul system. I think it’s great (and my aunt loved it)-I hope you do too. It may really help your marriage…but then again, if I’m being totally honest, I can’t be sure of that, since every relationship is unique. But what the heck, give it a try anyway-I’ll keep my fingers crossed!”

What does this mean for you and your relationship

Approach marriage advice and relationship help services/products with an open mind: balance healthy skepticism with hopefulness and realism. Take a little time to find out about the credentials and experience of the person selling a service or product-and if anyone is making overly-hyped claims or promising iron-clad results, my advice: turn and run.

About the Author

Visit Relationship Toolbox Newsletter and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Newsletter.

Are you ready to take your relationship to the next level?

I’ve just completed the newest Healthy Relationship Program e-workbook.

Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach with fifteen years experience helping individuals and couples live more fulfilling lives. His relationship advice has appeared on television, radio and in national magazines.

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Here is my marriage advice to all couples: If you want to strengthen your marriage or relationship:

Watch your mouth!

Marriage help: It’s all about the words we choose

There’s an old Bee Gees song that says, “It’s only words, and words are all I have, to take your heart away.” When you and your spouse/partner were first dating, you probably used your words wisely in an effort to win over your mate’s heart. If you did, you must have been mindful of the power of your words-you suddenly became a wordsmith, highly attuned to how your words made your partner smile and laugh and want to hold you tight.

Do you still choose your words wisely while communicating with your partner?

Essential Communication Rules for a Stronger Marriage

Rule 1: Your words have power.

Rule 2: Each and every day you have thousands of words to choose from while communicating with your spouse/partner. So the words that come out of your mouth are only a thin slice of the overall word pie that’s available to you.

Rule 3: The words you select have a profound impact on your marriage or relationship (and on your own experience). Your words are continuously impacting your relationship (even if you’re unaware of it). 

Rule 4: Your words are a reflection of what you’re thinking and feeling and your choice of words also shape your experiences.

Rule 5: As your marriage or relationship matures, you might plan less and blurt more. Because you’re not trying to woo your mate any longer, you will probably forget how mindful you used to be when you spoke. Odds are, you’ll start to say whatever comes to mind (expressing your feelings in their rawest form) and not really think about how those words might impact your spouse/partner.

Bring mindfulness back to your communications

“My experience is what I agree to attend to.” ~ William James

This famous quote highlights the selective nature of reality. With regards to a marriage or relationship, some people decide to attend to and focus on the missteps that happened during the day, while others choose to attend to the interactions that showed effort, good intention, and a willingness to move forward. The challenge is to do this even when it feels like the negatives are outweighing the positives.

What you attend to is also reflected in the words you use to describe your spouse/partner (to yourself and others), the feedback you give him/her, and how you speak to your mate in general.

To help you become more mindful of your words and the power they hold in your relationship (and in your life), let’s look at a few different categories that your words can be placed into.

I. Connecting Words (words that enhance intimacy):

~Words that validate and affirm;

~Words that support;

~Words that inform and educate;

~Words that heal (yes, words have the power to heal, just ask any therapist about this).

II. Disconnecting Words (words that undermine intimacy):

~Words that wound and hurt;

~Words that judge;

~Words that minimize and invalidate;

~Words that prioritize the negatives.

So you have the power to use connecting or disconnecting words at any given moment in time, in every interaction that occurs between the two of you. While this can sound daunting, it can also be very empowering.

Action Step:

For a week straight, use only connecting words-no matter what words your spouse/partner (and others in your life) chooses to use. 

The goal is to stick to your conviction and remain mindful of what comes out of your mouth, even during times of stress. And if you slip up here or there, be kind to yourself (watch the words you direct at yourself!) and bring yourself back to the goal of mindful communication.

About the Author

Do you want to receive marriage advice and relationship help tips each month?

Visit Relationship Toolbox Newsletter and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Newsletter.

As a bonus you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”

Are you ready to take your relationship to the next level?

I’ve just completed the newest Healthy Relationship Program e-workbook.

Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach with fifteen years experience helping individuals and couples live more fulfilling lives. His relationship advice has appeared on television, radio and national magazines.

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“I really hate it when we argue…but I’ve also learned so much about my husband from our fights and we have a stronger relationship now.” ~Sandra, married seven years

Even the most effective communicators get into spats now and then. And despite your best efforts at marital bliss, you and your partner will disagree and argue from time to time.

But not all conflict is bad-conflict (if handled correctly) can teach you a great deal about yourself and your spouse or partner.

Relationship Help: From conflict to connection

Ideally, conflict can lead to an increase in mutual understanding and a healthy re-adjustment of your relationship, rather than estrangement. Of course, during a heated exchange it may feel like your world is ending and that you’re in love with the most unreasonable person on the planet-so how can such an unwelcome experience lead to growth?

The opportunity for greater intimacy comes after an argument, in the post-conflict analysis.

Have you ever noticed how most sporting events have a post-game analysis? By going over what happened, coaches and athletes discover what worked and didn’t, they examine their strengths (what they should be doing more of) and their areas of vulnerability (what they should change); they then set goals for how to use this information to improve future performance.

Doesn’t your marriage or relationship deserve this level of attention?

Marriage help action steps:

So here are a few post-conflict questions for you and your spouse or partner to reflect on (try to think of a few of your own):

1. What can I learn about myself (my strengths and areas of vulnerability) from how I reacted and behaved during the conflict?

2. What can I learn about my spouse or partner (his/her strengths and areas of vulnerability) from how s/he reacted and behaved?

3. How can I use this information to show more understanding and greater appreciation of my spouse or partner?

The information gathered from these questions can ultimately lead to more effective communication and greater intimacy. To get the most out of your post-conflict analysis, it will be important for you to wait until you regain your emotional footing-in other words, you should feel calm and centered while reflecting on these questions (so you may need to wait until any strong, residual feelings left over from the conflict dissipate).

You will strengthen your relationship when you make a post-conflict analysis a regular part of your marriage or relationship.   Because conflict is painful, many couples simiply ignore what happened and try to get on with there life. When you do this, however, you’re ignoring important information that can help pave the way for a more harmonious marriage or relationship. So when you set aside the time to examine the nature of conflict, you place yourself in the drivers seat of the relationship, rather than leaving the outcome of your marriage or relationship to chance.

And don’t forget, you can make a significant impact on your relationship all by yourself. So if your partner isn’t on board with doing a post-conflict analysis, you can do it on your own and change your behavior in ways that will positively impact the future of your marriage or relationship.

About the Author

Do you want to receive powerful relationship tips each month?

Visit Relationship Toolbox Newsletter and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Newsletter.

Are you ready to take your relationship to the next level?

I’ve just completed the newest Healthy Relationship Program e-workbook.

Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach with fifteen years experience.

Article Source: Content for Reprint

Couples get married every day around the world like clockwork. The wedding industry is very big business. Couples get divorced every day as well and the divorce law industry is big business too.

Of all the things a man and woman can decide to do, marriage is perhaps one of the most difficult. Wait a minute! Getting married is easy. It’s a successful and happy marriage that takes skill, wisdom and practice. And the problem is there’s no school for something that requires more knowledge than flying airplanes; and yet we require proof that someone can fly an airplane. Kind of ironic isn’t it?

Almost half the people who decide to get married will find themselves facing a divorce within five years or less according to current statistics. Although these statistics are alarming, it’s good to note that the divorce rate has declined in the last few years or at least remained stable. One reason might be because of the huge cost of divorce. However, also a main reason for this is that many couples have spurned traditional marriage and elected to live together.

Living together, whether married or not, can be one of the best or worst things you’ll ever do. You enter into the sanctity of marriage or a long term relationship with high hopes of a blissful relationship and the dreams of a beautiful home and family. For many this has become true, but many others have found their dreams shattered.

What makes the difference in the success and failure of a marriage? The reasons are as many as they are varied. Studies of patterns of marriage practice such as those of the Myers-Briggs or the Marriage Blueprint (TM) method yield a lot of answers. Most successful marriages seem to embrace a few key ingredients.

Both must be committed to a making the relationship work. Commitment is a scary word and many people run from the thought of a serious commitment. It conjures thoughts of a ball and chain, a nagging spouse and mounting bills that wait to be paid. But, if you’re to have growth and accomplishments in a marriage, both must be committed to the same values and goals. Some have taught that you can change a marriage all by yourself but no one really believes that.

You’ve heard it before but you must be able to communicate effectively. Communication of course goes on all the time, it’s a human thing that just can’t be bottled up, but effective communication where your message is sent with skill and received with skill is an art and a science.

Effective communication is so important that it cannot be overemphasized. This means not only talking about the happenings of the day at home and work but also sharing private thoughts and feelings. This is crucial for both husband and wife even if it’s hard to do at first. It will become something both of you look forward to if given the chance.

The big secret that many are discovering is that there are just as many men who are entirely capable of communicating about feelings and relationship as there are women, if the methods and styles of communication are slightly altered so that both can participate. Traditional psychotherapy and counseling emphasize methods that tend to be more friendly culturally to women than men, but some new methods are becoming increasingly friendly to both men and women.

Strive to meet each others’ needs both emotional and physical. You must desire to take care of one another in every way. It should be a pleasure and not a chore. Treat your spouse as a friend as well as a lover and provider. Appreciate, admire and respect each other and you’ll find petty annoyances begin to fade in importance quickly.

Maintain a good balance of leisure, work and pleasure. Set common goals and work toward them. Dream together and strive to make those dreams come true. When a decision has to be made, do it together. Respect each others’ opinion and seek their help and advice, or simply be open to a good talk.

Laugh with your spouse and not at your spouse. Making fun of someone is aggressive and it never sits well with a person over time. Humor can be a very tender and sensitive area. It’s very important but even more important is that you express humor in a way that supports each other rather than taking each other down or causing pain.

A great marriage is one of the greatest gifts of life and worth whatever it takes to achieve. Many times people find that they need some re-education or a new way of thinking about marriage and relationships because their old models just don’t seem to work anymore. That’s where professional help comes in very handy, as long as that help has proven effectiveness and isn’t just another place where people vent old and worn out feelings and thoughts in ways which don’t serve progress in the relationship.

About the Author

You’ve been lied to about Marriage Counseling

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