Q: “I’m getting married in a month and want to know why so many marriages end in divorce. What should I look out for? How can I prevent divorce?”  ~Sandra, Houston TX

A: Understanding why a marriage or relationship might fail can alert couples to their own unique relationship vulnerabilities. These are not meant to be doom-and-gloom predictions about anyone’s marriage, but rather information to help you identify potential marriage problems that can arise and that should be addressed. 

Let’s look at five reasons why a marriage or relationship might not survive.

Marriage help: 5 reasons marriages end in divorce

1. The marriage or relationship started for the wrong reasons.

The motivation to marry or start a committed relationship was an act of escapism, not love. For instance, you married to flee an abusive household, or to avoid feelings of loneliness, or to cover up the pain of a failed first marriage. While this doesn’t mean your marriage is destined to end, it does pose some challenges.

Preventative Measure: For this marriage to survive, it’s important to separate the person you married from the reasons you married him/her. This will allow you to break the negative associations and really “see” the person you now call “husband” or “wife.” 

2. The couple has grown apart over the years to such a degree that there are no longer any common interests.

The “we” of the marriage or relationship has been neglected to such a degree and for so long that you no longer recognize the person you fell in love with. When this occurs, the relationship may feel like it offers little meaning to your life and the danger is that you’ll seek to get all of your needs met outside of the relationship.  

Preventative measures: Make the commitment and take the necessary steps to keep your marriage/relationship a priority-even when life and competing priorities seem to get in the way.

3. Years of unresolved conflicts and deep emotional wounding have shattered the very fabric of the union.

Chronic defensiveness, resentments and deep emotional pain caused by a relationship that has spiraled out of control have invaded the union and dissolved the foundation of mutual love and respect.

Preventative measures: Have those uncomfortable discussions to make sure important issues don’t go underground where they can fester. You may need to seek professional help to get things moving in the right direction.

4. One or both parties unconsciously repeat unhealthy relationship patterns from their family-of-origin.

We’re all vulnerable to repeating patterns from our past. When unhealthy relationship patterns predominate (e.g., acting abusive just like your father did), combined with an unwillingness to examine these destructive dynamics, one’s marriage is placed at serious risk.

Preventative measures: Reflect on your parents’/caregivers’ relationship and think about how you want to be different from them in your role as a husband/wife or partner. Each day make a conscious effort to stop negative family-of-origin patterns.  

5.  The marriage or relationship is built upon expectations that cannot support the realities of a committed relationship.

We all hold expectations about what a marriage or romantic relationship should look like. When overly romanticized dreams predominate (my spouse should always make me happy), you’re likely to feel disillusioned and not commit to the work that all marriages/relationships require.    

Preventative measures: Examine the expectations you hold about marriage and share this with your spouse-discuss any differences in perspective that may exist between you and then take a hard look at which expectations feel realistic and which are likely to buckle under the day-to-day realities of life.

While the above list isn’t exhaustive, it does capture some of the most common, essential reasons marriage problems arise and why an initially loving, committed relationship can fail to thrive over the long haul. Don’t forget to take the preventative measures needed to keep your marriage or relationship healthy.

About the Author

Visit Relationship Toolbox Newsletter and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Newsletter.

As a bonus you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”

Are you ready to take your relationship to the next level?

Discover what the Healthy Relationship Program workbook series can do for your relationship.

Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach with fifteen years experience helping individuals and couples live more fulfilling lives

Article Source: Content for Reprint

Here is my marriage advice to all couples: If you want to strengthen your marriage or relationship:

Watch your mouth!

Marriage help: It’s all about the words we choose

There’s an old Bee Gees song that says, “It’s only words, and words are all I have, to take your heart away.” When you and your spouse/partner were first dating, you probably used your words wisely in an effort to win over your mate’s heart. If you did, you must have been mindful of the power of your words-you suddenly became a wordsmith, highly attuned to how your words made your partner smile and laugh and want to hold you tight.

Do you still choose your words wisely while communicating with your partner?

Essential Communication Rules for a Stronger Marriage

Rule 1: Your words have power.

Rule 2: Each and every day you have thousands of words to choose from while communicating with your spouse/partner. So the words that come out of your mouth are only a thin slice of the overall word pie that’s available to you.

Rule 3: The words you select have a profound impact on your marriage or relationship (and on your own experience). Your words are continuously impacting your relationship (even if you’re unaware of it). 

Rule 4: Your words are a reflection of what you’re thinking and feeling and your choice of words also shape your experiences.

Rule 5: As your marriage or relationship matures, you might plan less and blurt more. Because you’re not trying to woo your mate any longer, you will probably forget how mindful you used to be when you spoke. Odds are, you’ll start to say whatever comes to mind (expressing your feelings in their rawest form) and not really think about how those words might impact your spouse/partner.

Bring mindfulness back to your communications

“My experience is what I agree to attend to.” ~ William James

This famous quote highlights the selective nature of reality. With regards to a marriage or relationship, some people decide to attend to and focus on the missteps that happened during the day, while others choose to attend to the interactions that showed effort, good intention, and a willingness to move forward. The challenge is to do this even when it feels like the negatives are outweighing the positives.

What you attend to is also reflected in the words you use to describe your spouse/partner (to yourself and others), the feedback you give him/her, and how you speak to your mate in general.

To help you become more mindful of your words and the power they hold in your relationship (and in your life), let’s look at a few different categories that your words can be placed into.

I. Connecting Words (words that enhance intimacy):

~Words that validate and affirm;

~Words that support;

~Words that inform and educate;

~Words that heal (yes, words have the power to heal, just ask any therapist about this).

II. Disconnecting Words (words that undermine intimacy):

~Words that wound and hurt;

~Words that judge;

~Words that minimize and invalidate;

~Words that prioritize the negatives.

So you have the power to use connecting or disconnecting words at any given moment in time, in every interaction that occurs between the two of you. While this can sound daunting, it can also be very empowering.

Action Step:

For a week straight, use only connecting words-no matter what words your spouse/partner (and others in your life) chooses to use. 

The goal is to stick to your conviction and remain mindful of what comes out of your mouth, even during times of stress. And if you slip up here or there, be kind to yourself (watch the words you direct at yourself!) and bring yourself back to the goal of mindful communication.

About the Author

Do you want to receive marriage advice and relationship help tips each month?

Visit Relationship Toolbox Newsletter and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Newsletter.

As a bonus you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”

Are you ready to take your relationship to the next level?

I’ve just completed the newest Healthy Relationship Program e-workbook.

Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach with fifteen years experience helping individuals and couples live more fulfilling lives. His relationship advice has appeared on television, radio and national magazines.

Article Source: Content for Reprint

Know How To Save A Relationship

by Jeremy Sullivan

If you want to know how to save a relationship, know what is wrong
first. Communicate with your partner and share your honest thoughts
and feelings.

Both of your must work cooperatively for it to succeed. Its like a
fifty fifty deal where both parties have to give their hundred percent
and also be dedicated to save the relationship.

All relationships will work only when you work hard, so you must be
prepared for it. No gains without pains. If by chance your
relationship is in danger and its your fault, apologize immediately.
Make mends immediately. On the other hand if it's the other person,
forgive and accept their apology. You must avoid revisiting the past.

Its quite common to forget your manners once in a relationship and
this is a grave mistake. Be kind and considerate. Show your true
concerns for his or her needs and concerns.

Give each other time and space. So you can work through the issues in
your own way within the relationship. If your spouse has not time to
deal with personal problems, you deal with them. Try not to confuse
yourself and forget the previous problems. This can make it worse,
rather than saving your relationship.

Talk, but not about problems and past issues. This will make matters
worse. Above all do not take your issues to a third person. But you
can seek help from counselor and therapist. The game of "he said, she
said" has ruined many relationships. Think about it and sorted it out
within yourselves in the four walls.

Try to show love, honor and respect, and expect it in return. There is
a reason these words are found in most traditional marriage vows. As
the bible instructs, "do unto others as you would have them do unto
you". If you follow this rule, you just may save a relationship.

About the Author: Want your ex back today? You have to look at this
article: Save A Relationship [1] :
http://how-to-get-your-ex-back-today.com/save-a-relationship.php.
You must go and do something about your situation before it's too
late!

Links:
——
[1] http://how-to-get-your-ex-back-today.com/save-a-relationship.php

http://www.articlejunktion.com/2009/05/know-how-to-save-a-relationship/

Tired of Having Failed Relationships? Make the Next One A Success

by Lorilee Buchannan

Many failed relationships don't have to be. People in relationships
just need to take the time at the beginning to define what they want.
Partners in relationships have different ideas for what they want
their relationship to be.

Many people find themselves in failed relationships because they are
not actively involved in the planning of their lives. Communication
which is hard for most people is required at the beginning of a
relationship. It can be intimidating and uneasy when starting a
relationship.

For most relationships, the ability to spend time enjoying each others
company makes up a huge percentage of what the relationship is about.
While this can provide a certain degree of excitement it can also
overshadow the need for meaningful communication.

It is so common in relationships for people to wait until there is a
problem to attempt to discuss the direction of the relationship. It
is only at this time that most will reveal what they had envisioned
for relationship. The vision for the relationship is often
over-shadowed by the initial euphoria.

Unfortunately most couples wait until they have invested a lot of time
and energy in a relationship before they realize that the relationship
is in trouble. This is when most people realize that their
expectations and ideas are not aligned.

It can be very devastating to suddenly find out that your dreams of
marriage, a family and a home with a white picket fence is not the
same as your partners dream to travel the world and live off of the
land.

No one knows how a relationship will progress or turn out and we all
hope for the best. Hoping for the best and doing nothing is not a good
strategy. The best strategy is to define the relationship on the on
set.

Defining the relationship early on will prevent a failed relationship
later. It will also spare you the pain of hurt and resentment.
Doing this exercise early on will lessen the likelihood that that both
people involved would get hurt.

Defining what is desired in a relationship should be an enjoyable
process. This is where each partner truly learn about the other
partner. It is also where they can see the areas that appeal to them
or the areas that need work.

Relationships fail for many reasons. Expressing your feelings and
expectations can help to create a successful relationship.

About the Author: Stopping failed relationships [1] requires work
form both partners. Learn how to create a successful relationship
[2] by visiting www.savingrelationshipguide.com

Links:
——
[1] http://www.my-linker.com/hop/failed_relationships
[2] http://www.my-linker.com/hop/successful_relationship

http://www.articlejunktion.com/2009/05/tired-of-having-failed-relationships-make-the-next-one-a-success/

Lessons I?ve learned from those Women who dumped me

by Toby Hardwick

Yes I agree that I?ve been dumped, more than once actually. While it
hurt me each time it happened I admit that I learned a lot from all
those experiences. Here are some truths that I realized from women who
have dumped me.

Things I?ve learned from Women Who have Dumped Me #1: It takes two.

Most of the times with the pain in a breakup, it is very easy to blame
the other person for everything. But the truth lies in accepting that
you had a part to play if the relationship is not working any more.
Take proper care and learn from those experiences so that you can
avoid such things in future relationships.

Things I?ve learned from Women Who have Dumped Me #2: most women need
their personal space.

Women like to cuddle and snuggle. They may seem to always be around.
But they need their personal space too. Men have a tendency to be
possessive. We want to keep tabs on where they?re going and what
they?re doing there. If any woman has ever cheated on you, this
instinct becomes stronger. But, trust is a key component in a
relationship. When you invade her personal space, you send the message
that you don?t trust your girlfriend. This can easily lead to the end
of the relationship.

Things I?ve Learned from Women Who ve Dumped Me #3: You get stronger
over time.

When you wake up in the morning and the hurt?s so real, you may
believe that you will never get over the break up. But the truth is
that not only does time heal all pain, but you will emerge from the
break up a stronger person. As philosopher Frederick Nietzsche said,
?that which doesn?t kill me only makes me stronger.?

Things I?ve learned from Women Who have Dumped Me #4: Take it if it
wasn?t meant to be

Coming to accept that a relationship wasn?t meant to be is a key
factor in healing. If you had started projecting your relationship
into the future ? considering marriage, thinking about children ? and
then the woman you were with broke everything off, consider it a
blessing. It is better to end a relationship that wasn?t meant to be
earlier rather than later.

Things I?ve learned from Women Who have Dumped Me #5: Good things
don?t happen unless you make them happen.

Finally, the last lesson I want to share with you is that you can?t
control what happened, but you can control to how you react to what
happened. If you want good things to happen in the future, you have to
make them happen.

It?s something like getting back on to the horse. Go out on dates.
Have fun. Enjoy with your friends. Go out with new women. You would
probably find a new relationship in them. You may eventually find the
relationship that was meant for you to hold on for life!

About the Author: Toby Hardwick is the author of this article. His
relationship [1] advice site has more advice for your problems at
relationship diy [2].

Links:
——
[1] http://relationshipdiy.com
[2] http://relationshipdiy.com

http://www.articlejunktion.com/2009/05/lessons-ive-learned-from-those-women-who-dumped-me/